So I guess I'm a giver. I like to do things and buy things for people. That means I'm surrounded by takers. I do this to myself I guess. My boyfriend is a taker. He gives little kisses and says hello to me when I get home from work. Sometimes if I beg/nag he'll do small things around the house.  SOMETIMES he even pays his bills within a week of getting paid and I only have to ask him once! Granted, I pay all of our/his bills myself with my own checks and then just wait till he gives me the money for them. That's all he gives. I do everything for myself. Nobody ever helps me. So if my life sucks it's because I don't do enough for myself. Sometimes I just want to scream!  Why won't anybody ever do anything nice for me for a change?  I take my boyfriend on trips. I buy him things. I take him out to dinner. I do this with my friends, too, but NOBODY EVER GIVES BACK! I feel so used! But I do it to myself. If I want something nice...if I've EVER wanted anything nice, I've gotten it for myself. Even as a child my parents would get me the cheapest of everything (or just not gotten something if there wasn't a cheap version of it) so I guess I've grown up thinking I don't deserve nice things. I sometimes splurge and get myself nice things...oh then I feel guilty for days and weeks and months. I still feel guilty about buying myself a pair of boots that cost over $100. My mother would probably fall over if she knew! I am so depressed and hopeless right now. My best friend doesn't even have the time of day for me anymore. The last time I saw her was the end of May and that was when I was at her house helping her move. (see?!) I have nobody to confide in, nobody to give me advice. I have only takers around me. Everywhere. I feel trapped. I don't know how to get out of this cycle.

I feel like a grade-A idiot. I hate myself. Everything about myself. Um. yeah. I just had to get that off my chest.  I put "everybody" because I am confident that I am anonymous here...but that little part of me that wants attention hopes that someone somewhere will read an entry and be interested enough to reach out. I think I need a therapist haha.  But then, like just a few hours ago, when someone makes a comment, I recoil in shame...well, especially if they make fun of me. I am so thin skinned it makes me sick.  I want attention, but only positive attention...but not TOO positive, like "oh, you're so great" kinda stuff, 'cause that makes me embarrassed.  Not that I get that often, I try to avoid it usually. So I'm just a shy, easily embarrassed person who wants someone to talk to that doesn't think I'm an idiot. Basically.

  So. Um. I hate my job. Not the specific place or the people, necessarily, although sometimes I do hate it and them...but just the job. The waiting tables thing. I realize that the waiting tables doesn't make a person a loser, but I do feel like a loser. I'm in the same place I was 10 years ago, albeit with more experience. THAT makes me a loser. I have nothing to show of my life except a long string of cashier/waitress jobs. I have immense customer service experience. I have patience with people. Thats it. That's all I can say. I went to a resume instructional site and just had to leave. I mean, what do I really have to offer? "achievements" ? Well, let's see...I show up for work 99.9% of the time...I've called out sick once or twice...I show up for work within 15 minutes of the scheduled time about 90% of the time. Um...I guess I do my job ok. I haven't been fired yet. But then again we have an HR dept. so it's really really hard to get fired where I work...unless you steal or no-call-no-show. I am so lazy, though, that the most I ever do about it is feel depressed. I signed up for school again. I guess that's good. Lets see if I can stick to it this time! Maybe that can be my first accomplishment. I'm only 30 years old! Who needs accomplishments? Oh, everyone else has them? OOOH oops. I guess I'm a worthless loser! Oh and by the way...I hate it when I go looking for another joe-job and they have a "career" button...like anyone wants to make a career out of waiting tables or running a cash register. HAH! (I'd love to live from paycheck to paycheck in a rental house with no appliances for the rest of my life!) 

I have an inner saboteur.  It's really frustrating, to say the least.  I hate finding something for myself  that will help, and then having the inner voice undermine the act. For example, I have recently joined a gym. I NEED this. I look at myself in the mirror, or in pictures, and see this double-chinned puffy girl that just looks, ugh...just too big! I remember being a reasonable size, and until recently, ignored the slowly added pounds and the clothing sizes that creeped up, but I can't ignore it anymore. I'm a plus size now for fuck sake.  I hate the way I look. I hate being winded so easily. I hate having no muscle tone. So I made the decision to join a gym.(took a few months, actually) and now, I can't bring myself to go to the gym. Not to classes, not even to walk on the treadmill with headphones. It's like, the more I feel I need to do it, the more I really really don't want to do it! And it's not just the gym. It's housework, it's school, it's getting off my ass in general. I lack that forward momentum. I have ever since I can remember. The only thing I  can do on a regular basis is go to work in the morning and then crawl into bed as soon as I get home. Or maybe read a book or watch a movie.  I don't know what to do. I could form a plan of attack, mapping out each step to take and give myself a deadline...but of course there's the whiny little voice saying "NO I don't want to!" I have been putting off making dr. appointments and dentist appointments and all kinds of things.  It's like I don't want to be well...but I DO!! I think...I can't even make myself go and do something fun. I have a whole room full of dolls and crafts and fabric and neat hobbies just waiting for me, and I avoid that room like it's haunted or something.  I've been sleeping 12+ hours a night, or taking 3 hour naps.  I eat crap and I feel like crap!! I kinda wish there was always someone over me cracking the whip, telling me exactly what to do every minute...I crave structure...I can't do it by myself! I've tried! I have no power over the inner little brat! I just don't know what to do.